Tuesday, April 13, 2010

The Wait is Killing Me!

Holy crap...this is like the never ending cycle. Considering I've had cycles 60+ days, I think that says a lot about this one. I've been trying to plan a lot to do to keep me busy. I go back to work tonight, so that should eat up about 4 days. We also have some plans with friends this weekend. I'm really looking forward to that. Cleaning the house? Definitely not looking forward to that.

I'm starting to feel like maybe I should be on one of those hoarder shows. I know I should just suck it up, find the energy, clean, and just purge. But it's HARD. Guess what has also appeared during this cycle: Whining.

Oh my goodness, have I turned into a WHINER. It's bad. The Bear needs the husband of the year award for putting up with me. Seriously. Yesterday at a basketball game, I whined until he bought me a hot dog. With hot peppers. It kept me satisfied for approximately 15 minutes.

I've been trying to find out a little bit more about Femera, it sounds like it works in similar ways to Clomid but with less side effects. I am about 90% sure that I will try Femera next cycle. I'm sick of feeling down in the dumps and that I'm not a good wife or good at my job. The whole infertility stuff is enough to make someone depressed, clinging to my marriage and my work and family is really all I have left sometimes. And I feel like Clomid prevents me from remembering how much I have to be thankful for. So Femera it is.

The little nerd in me that minored in Chemistry wanted to post the chemical structure of Femera:

Please don't point and laugh at her too much.

Thursday, April 8, 2010

The Past Week in a Nutshell

It's been awhile since I've posted anything. My reason is two fold; First, work has me by the balls. This is nothing new. Our acuity has been ridiculously high and we've been full for weeks. It's like we're just a revolving door for long term acute patients that are vent dependent and morbidly obese. Second, I've been in a funk. Sometimes I see the Cymbalta commercial on TV (You know, the one that starts with "Depression hurts...") and I think, holy crap, I could be in this commercial. Well, that's not entirely true. I still laugh and joke around, but it's not the same as it was before.

That's all I really have to say about how I've been feeling because I'm starting to feel like a broken record. And who wants to be a broken record? More importantly, who wants to be around a depressed person?

The good news is that I'm starting to feel like my old self again. I mustered up the energy to finally clear out my email and answer people. I've made plans for the following week to hang out with some friends. Heck, I even made it out in public yesterday--with my hair done! And make-up! I received so many compliments about how I looked...cripes, all I did was bathe.

As far as fertility stuff goes, I'm in the middle of my second cycle on Clomid and timed intercourse. The good news was that I responded even better than the last time...follicle sizes were really good and my lining was significantly better. I feel nervous just typing that here...like I might jinx this cycle somehow by sending this information out for everyone to read...anyways, the only thing is, if this cycle doesn't work, Dr. C doesn't really want me doing Clomid again. She said that ultimately it was my choice, but that she thinks I'm suffering too much from the side effects. Which is a shame because I respond oh-so-beautifully.

DR. C: How did the Clomid go?

ME: Well...I didn't feel as anxious, but I was pretty sad and down in the dumps. I feel bad complaining because I feel like I should just be able to suck it up and get over how I feel.

DR. C: Ummmm, no. (She actually sounded kinda angry, which was scary because I was up in the stirrups at this point). This medication messes with your brain chemistry. You can't just talk yourself out of feeling a certain way. You should strongly consider trying something else next cycle.

So...she has a valid point. I will consider something else if this cycle is a bust. Which, I will find out if this worked (or not) right before my birthday. Hopefully it's good news. I'm trying to remain as optimistic as possible, but I have this nagging feeling of doubt that this is never going to work.