Crazy Watch '09...

...Commences! My period arrived after being induced last week. On Friday I went in for Cycle Day 3 lab work. This morning I took my first 50 mg of Clomid. So far nothing unusual has happened. The Bear seems to think I'm being a little more bitchy than normal (I think he is being a little more sensitive than normal) and I might have felt warm during church this morning. Insert obvious joke about Hell right here.

Seriously, though. I'm on pins and needles waiting for me to have some sort of emotional breakdown. Or something like this to happen:

Connect The Dots

Just call me pizza face--my skin is breaking out like no other. Most of it is contained to the jaw, neck, and back region (all really fine, bumpy stuff). A couple under-grounders here and there. But I just started sprouting the real gems yesterday. Two big mo' fo's on my right cheek. And these bastards are not the standard popping variety. They just won't pop. Jerks.

Don't get me wrong, my skin has been the bane of my existence for the past 15 years of my life. Even if I'm not having tons of zits, I have pores large enough for dwarfs to crawl in and hibernate. I've been to a dermatologist, I've tried Retin-A, topical antibiotics, oral antibiotics, prescription strength Benzoyl Peroxide (which I find far superior to Salicylic Acid) and pretty much anything else under the sun--short of Accutane. I've finally decided that I really like the Acne Free series. And it was working beautifully up until a couple of weeks ago.

Yesterday I finished my last dose of Provera. Now we'll just wait for my period to show so I can start taking the crazy pills. I wonder what that will do for my complexion!

A Better Day

I was feeling pretty down yesterday regarding all of the new news. I kind of felt like a big black cloud was hovering over my head.

Today is a better day. When I woke up, Dr. B called me to touch bases regarding an email I sent her. I basically wanted to know if I should still have all of the blood work that she had scheduled for me back with the original game plan/round 1 of Clomid. She said that we'll go through with all of that. Then she actually took the time to ask me how The Bear and I were dealing with all of this news and reminding me that guys deal with and process information differently--especially when it's dealing with such a delicate area. I was very touched that she called me and answered my questions thoroughly. She seemed like she was genuinely hoping this will work out for us in the end. I heart her.

I'm on Day 5 of Provera and EVERYTHING is making me tear up/cry. I also am not sleeping as well and I have sore boobs (sorry male readers!). I think I remember all of these symptoms from last time.

Another Hurdle

Last week we decided to have The Bear submit a semen analysis. I figured, why put all of these crazy hormones in my body until we know what's going on below HIS belt?

After a lot of hemming and hawing (on The Bear's end), we found out that we could pick up the kit (please, it was a sterile cup and a set of directions), take it home and then deliver the specimen within one hour to the lab.

The Bear went to the Women's Pavilion to pick up the "kit." The Women's Pavilion (aka The Palace--dubbed by L&D nurses in this city) is about a 15 minute drive from our house. It's in the same health care system that I work for and it houses many doctors offices for all sorts of lady parts. To be honest, I think a big part of it's claim to fame is for female oncology. Anyways, instead of going up to the suite where I go for my doctor's appointments he went to the information desk staffed by some blue-haired volunteer wearing a ginormous American Flag kerchief:

THE BEAR: Hi, I'm supposed to pick up a kit?

VOLUNTEER: What kind of kit?

THE BEAR: You know--a kit?

VOLUNTEER: I'm not sure what you mean?

THE BEAR: A kit for (insert real name here) was supposed to be here for me to pick up.

VOLUNTEER: Ummm, I'm really not sure what you mean sir.

At this point The Bear leaves a very nervous and urgent message on my cell--which I don't get until after I wake up that afternoon. He eventually figured out where he needed to go. Doc B's business card, with her Suite Number was in his back pocket all along. I, of course, cannot stop laughing when he retells this story to me.

Later, when we're driving back to the Women's Pavilion to drop off his, um, sample. He asks me if I can take it in for him. I roll my eyes, and march through the hospital doors and proceed to get lost for 15 minutes. I wound up in Oncology Radiation for peat's sake. When I do find the lab, it's all locked up. Finally, a housekeeper riding a zamboni lets me in to the lab and I have to fill out paperwork before handing over the specimen cup to a lab tech wearing gloves. As a reward, The Bear takes me out to eat dinner. No where fancy, just BW3's.

This morning, Dr. B called me at home and gave me the unfortunate results: Great volume, but only 20% are normal. My heart sank. Dr. B didn't give us the nitty gritty break down of motility and morphology, but I hope that that information will be available sometime soon. With everything that's happened, Dr. B suggested that we go right away to the Fertility Clinic at the Women's Pavilion to maximize our chances of conceiving.

I'm trying to remain optimistic...I keep telling myself that one sub-par SA doesn't mean jack. Anyone can have a bad day. I know of MANY people who have kids even though they were told that they have a low sperm count or some other issue in the area. The Bear's older brother has two kids and for all we know, he might have a funky count, too. It just takes one strong swimmer. Also, I timed the whole evening: sample collection to sample drop off took 30 minutes, including the time I was lost in the hospital AND it was pretty cold out that day--something could have happened en route to the lab. Looking back on it, that whole evening was riddled with many events that all could have lead to our poor results. And I don't really think these results are THAT poor. It really just takes one. And we know he has at least one. Unlike me, who has yet to produce a decent egg.

I'm still going to give Clomid a try this cycle. I already started Provera and who knows when we'll be able to get into the Fertility Clinic, I'd rather not waste a cycle. Besides, Clomid may not be the solution for me and maybe we'll figure that out right away and my new doctor will try something else.

I'm currently waiting for a call back from the Fertility Clinic to schedule an appointment. I have no idea who we'll meet with and what to expect. Like my mom said, it really might take a whole village to make this child.

UPDATE: I finally made my appointment with Dr. C.--it won't be until December 23. How the eff am I going to wait THAT LONG? I suppose this is a lesson in patience.

The waiting game

Well 40 days has come and gone and still no period. The next step is to start taking Provera. So...here I go again! A teeny little part of me was hoping that after the last round of Provera, my cycle would reset itself and then I would magically start to ovulate and then--POOF! Nine months later I would have a beautiful, bouncing baby boy in my arms that looked like a slightly more brown version of The Bear. Just with less five o'clock shadow. Not so much.

I'm really looking forward to the moodiness and hot flashes that Provera causes. I guess it will just be a precursor to the moodiness and hot flashes caused by Clomid.

Stay tuned...

H1N1

OK...so this is not IF related. BUT I am feeling like CRAP. I'm achy, bitchy, tired, and I think I have some chest tightness which leads me to believe I may have the flu. Problem is, I was exposed to H1N1 this week. I did end up getting the vaccine after a lot of consideration and 2 doctors telling me that I should have it because this is "serious stuff." I think what really drove the point home is that I heard that 2 nurses in CA died from getting H1N1 at work from their patients. So I went to employee health and a very ancient nurse injected me and jiggled my arm fat after the injection to work through the vaccine. Fun.

In IF related news: Cycle Day 32 and I'm getting incredibly anxious to start Provera. If I've done my calculations correctly, I will be on Provera and Clomid during the Thanksgiving festivities. That ought to make being around me a REAL treat. Apologies in advance!

Taking it all back

With the holidays looming, I'm getting increasingly anxious to field questions from family members regarding my fertility (or lack there of). The Bear thinks I am worrying too much (surprise) and thinks I should just smile, shrug and say, "We're working on it." I would like to respond to whomever asks me if we're ever having kids by delivering a swift throat punch to silence them. Realistically, I'm trying to work on a very nice comment/response that basically means, "none of your damn business." But The Bear has sternly warned me that my cool response might spark more gossip, which I would like to avoid. I would prefer it if my malfunctioning lady bits are not a topic of discussion while I'm eating cheesy potatoes at Thanksgiving dinner.

I am aware that when people ask pointed questions about babies, it is not meant to be hurtful or rude. Cripes, how many times have I asked that question pre-IF? I ask so many questions, I'm so freakin' nosy. I can't even tell you how many times I've asked a young couple, "When are you FINALLY going to get married?" And the list of uncomfortable questions really don't end there:

When are you graduating?
When are you buying a house?
Why aren't you moving in together before marriage?
Why haven't you found a job?
When are you moving out of the city to the suburbs?
Why aren't you drinking--are you pregnant?
Are you ever going to have a second child? Third? Fourth? Eighth?

I think I've learned my lesson about treading lightly among loved ones. Someone might as well hand me and my nosy ass a giant shoe horn to remove my massive foot from my mouth. I guess the moral of the story is you never really know what someone is going through or how hard of a time they might be having until you walk a hard road yourself. Corny, but true.

On another note, my Mom (now a loyal reader!) gently reminded me that I should think about expanding the circle of trust to include more family members. She has a valid point, as most mothers annoyingly do. I'm thinking of an appropriate way to get people up to speed...it's not like I'm going to send out a mass email that says "Hey! My ovaries are jacked up! What's new with you?"

I guess I'll have to figure something out.