Today is a bad day. I should probably just call it a night (morning, whatever) and get some sleep before I go back to work tonight.

I know that The Bear and I have only been trying for 7 months, but I just have this feeling of despair. I keep trying to tell myself that God has a plan for everyone, and that this is just part of His plan for us right now. I know that we may never know what life is supposed to hold for us and why things happen the way that they do. Why do we lose people we love? Why do we lose our jobs? Why do we fall on hard times? It is all just a test of faith, and I keep desperately holding on to knowing that above all I have to keep my faith, but it's still so hard. And I know it's only going to get harder. We still have a long road ahead of us before we will become parents. And that is me being realistic. Neither optimistic or pessimistic. My mom told me that I should try to keep a 50-50 balance between optimism and pessimism. I told her that the most I could muster up would be about 30-70. I just keep trying to hold on to all of the small and beautiful things that grace my day.

Like being able to computer shop with my dear mum yesterday. She is a brave woman who had the courage to take her sick and Clomid-infused daughter to the mall during Christmas season! And I behaved myself! And I was patient! I did have my first rocking hot flash, though. What a doozy! It felt like I was baking in the middle of the summer in a kitchen located on top of an active volcano. Realistically, it wasn't that bad. I guess I just turned a little pink on the outside. But was I ever sweating underneath my hoodie. Who knows, it could be the cold I'm battling.

The latest in fertility news...My CD3 labs are trickling in. My FSH (Follicle Stimulating Hormone) looks good--this is indicative of ovarian reserve. So I guess there are still some good eggs in there, it's just a matter of them coming out to play. All of my lab work regarding my testosterone is within normal limits, too. This explains my lack of a moustache. Hopefully my face stays that way. What I'm really waiting for is the pesky LH (Lutenizing Hormone) result.

I have just two more days of Clomid. Then I've got some CD10 labwork (what will be tested, I haven't a clue. I'll ask the phlebotomist) and then it's time to pee on a stick everyday for awhile in order to see if I'm ovulating.

***I'm FINE. This post was for venting purposes, I will be sleeping all day, so please don't call me to make sure I'm OK--I assure you, I am :)