Sleep, where art thou?

I miss sleep. I feel like I haven't slept well for months. MONTHS. I thought the first trimester was supposed to be all about having narcolepsy. None of that here. However I am lazy (is that even a pregnancy symptom?). Just ask The Bear how often I clean up after myself or do any of the household chores. I am really hoping that the whole nesting thing will kick in one day.

I took out my belly button ring yesterday. My stomach does not look pregnant, it just looks big. I am roly-poly. Rotund. I'm ok with it, I just think that it looks sort of trashy to have a belly button ring in while you look like you drank too many beers over the weekend. Besides I have a feeling that bikini season is over. FOR GOOD.

Other than that, I haven't really had too many pregnancy symptoms. I did get up to pee about 3 times last night. My skin is finally clearing up a little bit. Not sure why, maybe my hormones are just balancing out. I'm looking forward to a nice pregnancy glow.

I go in for another ultrasound this week. I'll keep you updated!

Happy 9 Week Birthday Fetus!

Today my little guy (or girl!) has graduated from embryo to full fledged fetus, per What to Expect When You're Expecting. I am totally loving perusing all the baby sites and seeing pictures of what my baby looks like at this stage. It's not at all scary or alien-esque as I would have thought. It really is a miracle.

So far I don't have too many pregnancy symptoms. My skin is really bad. It's like being in 7th grade all over again. I've had some heartburn hear and there, which is a new thing for me. I am really hoping the old wives' tale is true and that I will have a hairy baby! I am definitely irritable and having mood swings. The Bear and I got into a fight last week and I swear I thought my head was going to start spinning around. I couldn't believe how scary I was.

Weight wise, I have only put on a couple of pounds and that could very well be due to bloat and constipation. Lovely. I am not showing, but I am more rotund in the mid section and my clothes are feeling a little tight. It's a good thing I wear elastic waisted pants to work! Oh, and it might be time for a bigger bra!

I think I'm going to come out tonight at work. I feel like I'm far enough along and everything has been looking so good, why not? Still no crazy facebook announcements yet, but many people are starting to know. I think I'm ok with that.

Good Things

Some of the most beautiful numbers in the world: 144-my first hCG level. 359, my second hCG level. 637, my third hCG. 106, my baby's heartbeat at 6w3d. And finally, the most beautiful number: 163, my baby's heart rate today at 8w3d.

I finally feel more confident to actually put this info in print. I AM PREGNANT. Words that I never thought I would be able to say and that still sound foreign every time they pop out of my mouth. This is the most wonderful feeling I've had in awhile.

I can't even begin to describe how I felt seeing our teeny tiny baby during our ultrasound. I cannot believe that I am growing a human life that The Bear and I have created. It truly takes my breath away.

Bad Blogger

I am almost embarrassed when I look at the date of my last blog entry. Oy. Things here are fine, great, actually. I won't post more until Friday, but hopefully I will have good things to report! Stay tuned...

The Wait is Killing Me!

Holy crap...this is like the never ending cycle. Considering I've had cycles 60+ days, I think that says a lot about this one. I've been trying to plan a lot to do to keep me busy. I go back to work tonight, so that should eat up about 4 days. We also have some plans with friends this weekend. I'm really looking forward to that. Cleaning the house? Definitely not looking forward to that.

I'm starting to feel like maybe I should be on one of those hoarder shows. I know I should just suck it up, find the energy, clean, and just purge. But it's HARD. Guess what has also appeared during this cycle: Whining.

Oh my goodness, have I turned into a WHINER. It's bad. The Bear needs the husband of the year award for putting up with me. Seriously. Yesterday at a basketball game, I whined until he bought me a hot dog. With hot peppers. It kept me satisfied for approximately 15 minutes.

I've been trying to find out a little bit more about Femera, it sounds like it works in similar ways to Clomid but with less side effects. I am about 90% sure that I will try Femera next cycle. I'm sick of feeling down in the dumps and that I'm not a good wife or good at my job. The whole infertility stuff is enough to make someone depressed, clinging to my marriage and my work and family is really all I have left sometimes. And I feel like Clomid prevents me from remembering how much I have to be thankful for. So Femera it is.

The little nerd in me that minored in Chemistry wanted to post the chemical structure of Femera:

Please don't point and laugh at her too much.

The Past Week in a Nutshell

It's been awhile since I've posted anything. My reason is two fold; First, work has me by the balls. This is nothing new. Our acuity has been ridiculously high and we've been full for weeks. It's like we're just a revolving door for long term acute patients that are vent dependent and morbidly obese. Second, I've been in a funk. Sometimes I see the Cymbalta commercial on TV (You know, the one that starts with "Depression hurts...") and I think, holy crap, I could be in this commercial. Well, that's not entirely true. I still laugh and joke around, but it's not the same as it was before.

That's all I really have to say about how I've been feeling because I'm starting to feel like a broken record. And who wants to be a broken record? More importantly, who wants to be around a depressed person?

The good news is that I'm starting to feel like my old self again. I mustered up the energy to finally clear out my email and answer people. I've made plans for the following week to hang out with some friends. Heck, I even made it out in public yesterday--with my hair done! And make-up! I received so many compliments about how I looked...cripes, all I did was bathe.

As far as fertility stuff goes, I'm in the middle of my second cycle on Clomid and timed intercourse. The good news was that I responded even better than the last time...follicle sizes were really good and my lining was significantly better. I feel nervous just typing that here...like I might jinx this cycle somehow by sending this information out for everyone to read...anyways, the only thing is, if this cycle doesn't work, Dr. C doesn't really want me doing Clomid again. She said that ultimately it was my choice, but that she thinks I'm suffering too much from the side effects. Which is a shame because I respond oh-so-beautifully.

DR. C: How did the Clomid go?

ME: Well...I didn't feel as anxious, but I was pretty sad and down in the dumps. I feel bad complaining because I feel like I should just be able to suck it up and get over how I feel.

DR. C: Ummmm, no. (She actually sounded kinda angry, which was scary because I was up in the stirrups at this point). This medication messes with your brain chemistry. You can't just talk yourself out of feeling a certain way. You should strongly consider trying something else next cycle.

So...she has a valid point. I will consider something else if this cycle is a bust. Which, I will find out if this worked (or not) right before my birthday. Hopefully it's good news. I'm trying to remain as optimistic as possible, but I have this nagging feeling of doubt that this is never going to work.

Update

Acupuncture has been going well. She did put a needle in between my eyes the other day, though. Freaky but cool. I like her a lot, I would highly recommend her to other peeps.

I ended up starting my cycle all over again, like immediately after stopping my progesterone. It ended up being about a 30 day cycle. Not too shabby. I had my CD3 u/s--which showed no cysts--and I am currently in the throes of 100 mg of Clomid daily. Dr. C was super cool at my baseline u/s; She said that there's no reason to not give this regimen another chance. She said (and this is consistent with what I've read on the internets) that treatments are typically done in threes. If a treatment is going to work, it has the best shot of working during the first three tries. After that, your chances drop off significantly. She did say that if I had too many side effects with Clomid this time that we could potentially try a different oral medication that works in a similar way, Femera. I'll have to Google/Wiki it more later.

My big concerns with this current cycle/treatment have been uterine thickness and if my follicles are big enough/mature enough at the time of trigger. My follicle check will actually be later on in my cycle compared to the last time with hopes that we'll have a little better look at what's going on.

Statistically, if I was COMPLETELY normal, I'd still only have a 20% shot of getting prego each cycle. OK, I ACED stats in grad school (I'm talking like 2nd or 3rd highest grade in the class) and I do not get how if there is only a 20% chance of getting pregnant each month why are so many people getting pregnant after only one or two months of trying?!

I can tell that the Clomid is kicking in. I might have had five hot flashes while writing this post. Not crazy, dripping wet, core of the sun hot flashes..just a little hot-cold-hot action. I also cried twice in the shower yesterday when I started freaking out that this is never going to work out for The Bear and I. Even the thoughts of adoption in the future aren't very comforting to me right now. This is a very real fear of mine, though...to go through life childless. ChildLESS.

I'm off work for a couple of days now. I'm so happy because I should be done with all of this crazy emotional nonsense by the next time I go in. Although, if I get a phone call canceling me on Saturday, it would ROCK. Then I could spend more time with The Bear ;)