Dr. C

December 23rd came and went. I am happy that I had my new consult appointment with Dr. C but I am disappointed that we still have a lot of work ahead of us before I can really start any treatment. These are things that I all knew were going to have to happen, I just wish that I could speed it up. Many of these test are really cycle day dependant, though. Again, this whole process is a huge test in patience.

Basically, my RE appointment consisted of a huge health history with the Endocrinology Nurse. Then a review of this history with Dr. C and then an appointment with the Financial Planner.

Dr. C would like to order some more labs, as well as labs that I have had previously drawn but would like them run on more cycle specific days (i.e. CD3). I will have another ultrasound and an HSG (Hysterosalpingogram). Ahhh, the dreaded HSG, where I will have radiographic dye injected through my cervix and into my abdominal cavity in order to assess the patency of my fallopian tubes.

We did go over some of my previous labs and I did feel like I was being assessed for my personal knowledge of the whole situation. I do know many of my lab values and I have made a point of insisting on knowing my results. I was told that from my first u/s that my ovaries did have polycystic qualities, specifically the string of pearls appearance. I was told that everything was normal with my uterus. You can imagine my shock and dismay when Dr. C shrieked, "Your lining was only 5 and this ultrasound was done on Cycle Day 54!" So now I have ANOTHER thing to worry about: My lackluster uterine lining.

Dr. C also had a nice little chat with me regarding lifestyle choices. Specifically the fact that I have not technically quit smoking if I indulge in even one cigarette. I know I needed her to yell at me, but I did feel like I was being verbally whipped for having 4 cigarettes this past month. I know any smoking is still smoking, but prior to this past month, my cigarette indulgences have been few and far in between. Usually while inebriated. But smoking is still smoking. Her words are still ringing in my ears...particularly the phrase, "You may have already damaged your eggs permanently." Yay.

I am also no longer allowed to run. She said that I cannot run and ABSOLUTELY no long distance running. She may or may not have pointed a finger at me at this point. Apparently I will not respond to her treatments if I put myself through that sort of exertion. So the half marathon that I was planning on doing in April is a no go. Yoga and Pilates it is!

I'm not so sure what my feelings are for Dr. C. On one hand, I can certainly get on board with the tough love approach if she gets me knocked up. On the other, if her abilities are sub par, I might find her attitude annoying and a waste of my time and money. I have a strong philosophy regarding physicians: I don't care how bat shit crazy, mean, or smelly you are; but you better be effin BRILLIANT. Now, if you're going to be a mediocre practitioner, then let's drop the God complex and treat your patients like actual people. I have yet to determine which category Dr. C falls in to. I hope she at least has an ounce of some sort of bedside manner during my HSG.

My meeting with the financial counselor was brief but a pleasant surprise. Apparently our insurance does cover 80% of diagnostics once our $2000 deductible is met. The HSG alone is $1998. I hope the ultrasounds are included in this "diagnostic" category. At $500 a pop and with at least 2 or 3 during a cycle, those babies will add up. Our insurance will not cover any procedure to actually get me pregnant, though. I guess I don't really care, the fact that diagnostics are somewhat covered was good news in this crappy situation.

The waiting game commences while I wait for my period to either show or be induced so we can get all of these tests done. Don't forget, The Bear has to have a repeat SA done, this time at the lab. The clinic is very nice, a little cold and sterile, but very private. It's not in The Palace, but in the hospital right next door. This would have been useful information to know before I started wandering around The Palace after working a night shift. After I wound up in the NICU, I admitted to myself that I was lost and enlisted the help of the sweetest elderly male volunteer (complete with burgundy blazer!) and he gladly escorted me there. What a gent.

In non-IF news, The Bear and I are headed off to Punta Cana in about 10 days for a destination wedding. This is a vacation that we both really need right now. When we get back, Trying to Conceive 2010 will begin!

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to everyone in the blogosphere!

The Waiting Game...

Is killing me!!! I am typically a very impatient individual and all of this waiting around is killing me. I'm just so ready to go for my first RE appointment with Dr. C and here what she has to say. That being said...after the initial appointment, we won't be able to do anything for awhile. Unfortunately, we won't even be able to start anything until after the 2nd or 3rd week of January BECAUSE The Bear and I are going on vacation right after the New Year--Punta Cana! Provided I started Provera right after my 1st appointment with my new RE, my period would be set to arrive right before we leave and then I would be taking Clomid during the vacation. I absolutely refuse to do that. Also, there would be no way that I would be able to have lab work and be properly monitored in the Dominican Republic. No thanks.

This vacation has been in the works for years. We'll be spending time with my in laws at a destination wedding. This resort is also where The Bear and I honeymooned in 2008. I'm really looking forward to the weather, good company, good food and RELAXATION. Since I'm going to be in a swimsuit in the near future, I should probably take my bloated ass to the gym!

P.S. If anyone comments that good things come to those who wait or anything about patience, don't be alarmed if I show up at your house and kick you in the shins. Consider yourself warned :)

Getting Knocked Up

There are a variety of different ways to figure out when you might be fertile. If you're pretty regular you can figure out when you ovulate by counting back 14 days from the beginning of your period. You can use Basal Body Temperature charting, check your cervical mucus, or ovulation predictor kits. Or I love this one, you can "listen to your body." I'm trying to listen to my body, but it's sending me mixed signals.

BBT consists of using a special thermometer and taking your temperature at the same time each morning (before you even move) and you chart it. Based on what your chart looks like (and combined with other methods of charting) you can figure out when you're ovulating. I tried this for one month. A typical BBT chart looks like this:

My chart looked nothing like that. My temperatures were very erratic and I could make no sense of them what so ever. At that time I chalked it up to my rotating schedule and that I wasn't really sleeping longer than 3 hours at a crack.

Ovulation predictor kits are supposed to be easier to use. Just pee on a stick at the same time each day (or even a couple each day) in order to figure out when your LH surge occurs. Throughout your cycle estrogen and LH gradually increase causing an egg to ripen and mature. Right before ovulation, a LH surge can be detected. The thing that is tricky is that even if a LH surge is detected, it does not guarantee that an egg was actually released.

I am not even going to discuss CM (I can't even type it out fully!) because a variety of males (ones I'm related to!) read this blog and I want to be able to look them in the eyes in the future. Tell you what, if you're really interested, go Google it yourself.

Last, some women say that they feel really crampy and bloated when they're ovulating. Lovingly dubbed "mittelschmerz" (middle pain) by our German friends. Hmmm, this is how I feel on almost every given day due to the fact that I'm usually stuffing my face with cheesy, processed foods.

That's just on the female's end. If you're a dude, you've got to have working swimmers. You only need one, though. One working one that is able to find one, tiny little egg in an organ the size of a pear. Then it has to be able to successfully fertilize that egg.

So there you have it folks, how to make a baby. You know, with all of the technicalities and little ways this process can get screwed up, it's a wonder this world is overpopulated.

CD10

So far all that is back is my FSH, which is lower than the CD3 number but is still well within normal limits. I haven't officially heard from Dr. B but I've done enough Googling to know that this should be just fine. Who knows what else they'll take a look at.

The results of my OB panel from CD3 are also in and I was able to totally peruse my lab values from my CBC. My H/H was 13.2/40! Holy cats I'm not even anemic! As an ICU nurse I've become accustomed to being happy over a H/H of 8/28. I've even seen as low as 5/10. My H/H value totally tickles me.

I worked an extra shift last night. I figure it's time to start saving up for IF treatments. My plan is to open a second bank account on Monday. The Bear and I will designate a little cash each week to save up for who knows what. I have a huge Carlo Rossi wine jug that I've been filling with change since I was about 19 and the jug is almost full. I'm very curious to find out how much is in there...

Thank goodness I am almost over my cold! Upon further review, it is my belief that my hot flashes were not so much due to Clomid as it was me having symptoms of a cold/flu. I know, I know--what was I thinking going out in public (the mall! gasp! h1n1!) and possibly infecting everyone with lord knows what. Anyways, I have rejoined society and am functioning! And I am off until Wednesday!

It's funny how much better the world looks when you don't have a head full of snot and a fever. Who would have thunk it?

CD10 lab work has been completed, we'll see what it shows. Now I'm off to bed to snuggle with the best dog ever.

Today is a bad day. I should probably just call it a night (morning, whatever) and get some sleep before I go back to work tonight.

I know that The Bear and I have only been trying for 7 months, but I just have this feeling of despair. I keep trying to tell myself that God has a plan for everyone, and that this is just part of His plan for us right now. I know that we may never know what life is supposed to hold for us and why things happen the way that they do. Why do we lose people we love? Why do we lose our jobs? Why do we fall on hard times? It is all just a test of faith, and I keep desperately holding on to knowing that above all I have to keep my faith, but it's still so hard. And I know it's only going to get harder. We still have a long road ahead of us before we will become parents. And that is me being realistic. Neither optimistic or pessimistic. My mom told me that I should try to keep a 50-50 balance between optimism and pessimism. I told her that the most I could muster up would be about 30-70. I just keep trying to hold on to all of the small and beautiful things that grace my day.

Like being able to computer shop with my dear mum yesterday. She is a brave woman who had the courage to take her sick and Clomid-infused daughter to the mall during Christmas season! And I behaved myself! And I was patient! I did have my first rocking hot flash, though. What a doozy! It felt like I was baking in the middle of the summer in a kitchen located on top of an active volcano. Realistically, it wasn't that bad. I guess I just turned a little pink on the outside. But was I ever sweating underneath my hoodie. Who knows, it could be the cold I'm battling.

The latest in fertility news...My CD3 labs are trickling in. My FSH (Follicle Stimulating Hormone) looks good--this is indicative of ovarian reserve. So I guess there are still some good eggs in there, it's just a matter of them coming out to play. All of my lab work regarding my testosterone is within normal limits, too. This explains my lack of a moustache. Hopefully my face stays that way. What I'm really waiting for is the pesky LH (Lutenizing Hormone) result.

I have just two more days of Clomid. Then I've got some CD10 labwork (what will be tested, I haven't a clue. I'll ask the phlebotomist) and then it's time to pee on a stick everyday for awhile in order to see if I'm ovulating.

***I'm FINE. This post was for venting purposes, I will be sleeping all day, so please don't call me to make sure I'm OK--I assure you, I am :)

Crazy Watch '09...

...Commences! My period arrived after being induced last week. On Friday I went in for Cycle Day 3 lab work. This morning I took my first 50 mg of Clomid. So far nothing unusual has happened. The Bear seems to think I'm being a little more bitchy than normal (I think he is being a little more sensitive than normal) and I might have felt warm during church this morning. Insert obvious joke about Hell right here.

Seriously, though. I'm on pins and needles waiting for me to have some sort of emotional breakdown. Or something like this to happen:

Connect The Dots

Just call me pizza face--my skin is breaking out like no other. Most of it is contained to the jaw, neck, and back region (all really fine, bumpy stuff). A couple under-grounders here and there. But I just started sprouting the real gems yesterday. Two big mo' fo's on my right cheek. And these bastards are not the standard popping variety. They just won't pop. Jerks.

Don't get me wrong, my skin has been the bane of my existence for the past 15 years of my life. Even if I'm not having tons of zits, I have pores large enough for dwarfs to crawl in and hibernate. I've been to a dermatologist, I've tried Retin-A, topical antibiotics, oral antibiotics, prescription strength Benzoyl Peroxide (which I find far superior to Salicylic Acid) and pretty much anything else under the sun--short of Accutane. I've finally decided that I really like the Acne Free series. And it was working beautifully up until a couple of weeks ago.

Yesterday I finished my last dose of Provera. Now we'll just wait for my period to show so I can start taking the crazy pills. I wonder what that will do for my complexion!

A Better Day

I was feeling pretty down yesterday regarding all of the new news. I kind of felt like a big black cloud was hovering over my head.

Today is a better day. When I woke up, Dr. B called me to touch bases regarding an email I sent her. I basically wanted to know if I should still have all of the blood work that she had scheduled for me back with the original game plan/round 1 of Clomid. She said that we'll go through with all of that. Then she actually took the time to ask me how The Bear and I were dealing with all of this news and reminding me that guys deal with and process information differently--especially when it's dealing with such a delicate area. I was very touched that she called me and answered my questions thoroughly. She seemed like she was genuinely hoping this will work out for us in the end. I heart her.

I'm on Day 5 of Provera and EVERYTHING is making me tear up/cry. I also am not sleeping as well and I have sore boobs (sorry male readers!). I think I remember all of these symptoms from last time.

Another Hurdle

Last week we decided to have The Bear submit a semen analysis. I figured, why put all of these crazy hormones in my body until we know what's going on below HIS belt?

After a lot of hemming and hawing (on The Bear's end), we found out that we could pick up the kit (please, it was a sterile cup and a set of directions), take it home and then deliver the specimen within one hour to the lab.

The Bear went to the Women's Pavilion to pick up the "kit." The Women's Pavilion (aka The Palace--dubbed by L&D nurses in this city) is about a 15 minute drive from our house. It's in the same health care system that I work for and it houses many doctors offices for all sorts of lady parts. To be honest, I think a big part of it's claim to fame is for female oncology. Anyways, instead of going up to the suite where I go for my doctor's appointments he went to the information desk staffed by some blue-haired volunteer wearing a ginormous American Flag kerchief:

THE BEAR: Hi, I'm supposed to pick up a kit?

VOLUNTEER: What kind of kit?

THE BEAR: You know--a kit?

VOLUNTEER: I'm not sure what you mean?

THE BEAR: A kit for (insert real name here) was supposed to be here for me to pick up.

VOLUNTEER: Ummm, I'm really not sure what you mean sir.

At this point The Bear leaves a very nervous and urgent message on my cell--which I don't get until after I wake up that afternoon. He eventually figured out where he needed to go. Doc B's business card, with her Suite Number was in his back pocket all along. I, of course, cannot stop laughing when he retells this story to me.

Later, when we're driving back to the Women's Pavilion to drop off his, um, sample. He asks me if I can take it in for him. I roll my eyes, and march through the hospital doors and proceed to get lost for 15 minutes. I wound up in Oncology Radiation for peat's sake. When I do find the lab, it's all locked up. Finally, a housekeeper riding a zamboni lets me in to the lab and I have to fill out paperwork before handing over the specimen cup to a lab tech wearing gloves. As a reward, The Bear takes me out to eat dinner. No where fancy, just BW3's.

This morning, Dr. B called me at home and gave me the unfortunate results: Great volume, but only 20% are normal. My heart sank. Dr. B didn't give us the nitty gritty break down of motility and morphology, but I hope that that information will be available sometime soon. With everything that's happened, Dr. B suggested that we go right away to the Fertility Clinic at the Women's Pavilion to maximize our chances of conceiving.

I'm trying to remain optimistic...I keep telling myself that one sub-par SA doesn't mean jack. Anyone can have a bad day. I know of MANY people who have kids even though they were told that they have a low sperm count or some other issue in the area. The Bear's older brother has two kids and for all we know, he might have a funky count, too. It just takes one strong swimmer. Also, I timed the whole evening: sample collection to sample drop off took 30 minutes, including the time I was lost in the hospital AND it was pretty cold out that day--something could have happened en route to the lab. Looking back on it, that whole evening was riddled with many events that all could have lead to our poor results. And I don't really think these results are THAT poor. It really just takes one. And we know he has at least one. Unlike me, who has yet to produce a decent egg.

I'm still going to give Clomid a try this cycle. I already started Provera and who knows when we'll be able to get into the Fertility Clinic, I'd rather not waste a cycle. Besides, Clomid may not be the solution for me and maybe we'll figure that out right away and my new doctor will try something else.

I'm currently waiting for a call back from the Fertility Clinic to schedule an appointment. I have no idea who we'll meet with and what to expect. Like my mom said, it really might take a whole village to make this child.

UPDATE: I finally made my appointment with Dr. C.--it won't be until December 23. How the eff am I going to wait THAT LONG? I suppose this is a lesson in patience.

The waiting game

Well 40 days has come and gone and still no period. The next step is to start taking Provera. So...here I go again! A teeny little part of me was hoping that after the last round of Provera, my cycle would reset itself and then I would magically start to ovulate and then--POOF! Nine months later I would have a beautiful, bouncing baby boy in my arms that looked like a slightly more brown version of The Bear. Just with less five o'clock shadow. Not so much.

I'm really looking forward to the moodiness and hot flashes that Provera causes. I guess it will just be a precursor to the moodiness and hot flashes caused by Clomid.

Stay tuned...

H1N1

OK...so this is not IF related. BUT I am feeling like CRAP. I'm achy, bitchy, tired, and I think I have some chest tightness which leads me to believe I may have the flu. Problem is, I was exposed to H1N1 this week. I did end up getting the vaccine after a lot of consideration and 2 doctors telling me that I should have it because this is "serious stuff." I think what really drove the point home is that I heard that 2 nurses in CA died from getting H1N1 at work from their patients. So I went to employee health and a very ancient nurse injected me and jiggled my arm fat after the injection to work through the vaccine. Fun.

In IF related news: Cycle Day 32 and I'm getting incredibly anxious to start Provera. If I've done my calculations correctly, I will be on Provera and Clomid during the Thanksgiving festivities. That ought to make being around me a REAL treat. Apologies in advance!

Taking it all back

With the holidays looming, I'm getting increasingly anxious to field questions from family members regarding my fertility (or lack there of). The Bear thinks I am worrying too much (surprise) and thinks I should just smile, shrug and say, "We're working on it." I would like to respond to whomever asks me if we're ever having kids by delivering a swift throat punch to silence them. Realistically, I'm trying to work on a very nice comment/response that basically means, "none of your damn business." But The Bear has sternly warned me that my cool response might spark more gossip, which I would like to avoid. I would prefer it if my malfunctioning lady bits are not a topic of discussion while I'm eating cheesy potatoes at Thanksgiving dinner.

I am aware that when people ask pointed questions about babies, it is not meant to be hurtful or rude. Cripes, how many times have I asked that question pre-IF? I ask so many questions, I'm so freakin' nosy. I can't even tell you how many times I've asked a young couple, "When are you FINALLY going to get married?" And the list of uncomfortable questions really don't end there:

When are you graduating?
When are you buying a house?
Why aren't you moving in together before marriage?
Why haven't you found a job?
When are you moving out of the city to the suburbs?
Why aren't you drinking--are you pregnant?
Are you ever going to have a second child? Third? Fourth? Eighth?

I think I've learned my lesson about treading lightly among loved ones. Someone might as well hand me and my nosy ass a giant shoe horn to remove my massive foot from my mouth. I guess the moral of the story is you never really know what someone is going through or how hard of a time they might be having until you walk a hard road yourself. Corny, but true.

On another note, my Mom (now a loyal reader!) gently reminded me that I should think about expanding the circle of trust to include more family members. She has a valid point, as most mothers annoyingly do. I'm thinking of an appropriate way to get people up to speed...it's not like I'm going to send out a mass email that says "Hey! My ovaries are jacked up! What's new with you?"

I guess I'll have to figure something out.

In pursuit of knowledge...

During my past couple of days off, I decided to go bumming around at the library and book stores looking for any information about thin, non insulin resistant PCOS. My search left me pretty disappointed.

The majority of the books out there are geared towards woman that are overweight and that have insulin resistance. I can't tell you how many times I read this quote, "70% of women will begin to ovulate if they just lose weight." I don't think I will be able to lose any weight. I'm already at a BMI of 20.5.

I was really hoping to find some information out there regarding fertility success stories of women who present like I do...thin, no physical symptoms, and no insulin resistance. I think that that's what I need right now--the success stories. I've been reading over and over again about all of the failed IUIs and IVFs that I begin to wonder if there is really hope for me. But it feels like there really aren't too many women out there in my position. Which I guess is why Doc B thinks I'm going to be tricky.

Speaking of which, there is nothing more frustrating waiting for your period to show up so you can start a new treatment. I have never cared more in my life about getting my period. I feel like I've turned back the clock to when I was 13 anxiously awaiting for that milestone that officially makes you a "woman." I know I should try and keep busy and finish everything around the house, but I get sucked into the internet and trying to find out more about PCOS.

That's pretty much all for now...

Talk about getting kicked when you're down...

Oy. What a crummy weekend. One of The Bear's friends is going through a really hard time. My heart goes out to him. The Bear's guy friends are a different breed...they call each other all the time, they get mad if someone doesn't invite them to do something or if they forget each other's birthdays. They might as well have ovaries. They are a very sweet and loyal bunch, though. Truly great guys.

Anyways, the guys had been out all evening and wound up at a corner bar right around the corner from our house. I thought I could use a night cap and decided to crash. The minute I walk in, my husband announces that one of my good friends (who is married to one of his good friends) is pregnant. And it happened on her first cycle off birth control. Ouch.

I feel awful. I want to be so happy for them and their new little one. I want to sit and talk with her about how she is feeling and how excited she is. But I don't think I will be able to do that without totally losing my shit. I haven't told her that The Bear and I have been trying for six months and how I've been having problems. That I wake up every morning and pee on a stick to see if I'm ovulating and that if I maybe ovulate then I have a 1 in 4 chance of getting pregnant. That if I don't get my stupid period, I'll have to induce it with medication and will have to start Clomid and that maybe it will work. And if all of THAT works there is always the increased chance of miscarriage that comes along with PCOS.

How do you balance that? How do you balance being happy for your friends but so sad for yourself?

How much does it cost to make a baby?

I finally picked up some of meds last week. The Pharmacist asked me the usual questions:

DRUG DEALER: Did you ever take these medications before?

ME: No. Wait, yes, I took the Provera.

DRUG DEALER: Ok then, most women generally have good results with Clomid. Any questions?

ME: Any side effects?

DRUG DEALER: Maybe some GI upset. Just take it with a meal if that happens.

ME: Really? I'm a little concerned that I'm going to turn into the incredible hulk when I get mad and throw chairs into the wall and my head will spin around and pea soup will spew out of my mouth...Oh! And I heard you can have wicked hot flashes.

DRUG DEALER: I don't think so...although you never know with hormone changes.

He wished me good luck and half smiled at me as he slid the package across the counter. I braced myself for the big total. I was pleasantly surprised when the grand total came to a whopping $8.48! Later that afternoon, I high-fived The Bear and told him that maybe we can make a baby for under ten bucks.

Then the bills started rolling in from Doctor A's office. They were definitely more than ten dollars. The Bear's insurance covered some of it, but let's just say that we are out more than a couple hundred bucks for some labs and an uncomfortable ultrasound. We haven't even received Doctor B's bill yet. We're going to start tightening up the purse strings around this joint so that we don't start racking up debt through this whole process.

I have a feeling it's going to be a long journey. What are the odds of ovulating on a minuscule dose (50 mg) of Clomid and slipping one past the goalie on the first try? My guess is not great. Everyone keeps telling me to remain positive, but it's really hard. It will be even harder if I remain optimistic and then fail.

The beauty of working with 50 some women is that there are individuals who are or who have gone through similar things. They were also kind enough to tell me that Clomid will most likely make me crazy. I'm going to go to night shift for awhile in case I really have a hard time with the meds. I figure an emotional breakdown at 2 AM will be witnessed by less individuals than one at 2 PM.

This sucks.

***For the record: I do not view Pharmacists as actual drug dealers. I think they are a very well educated bunch of people. I've also known this particular pharmacist for a couple of years and he's seen me fill a variety of different prescriptions through the years. I do find it mildly amusing that he now knows that my ovaries need a jump start.

The Gameplan

I was finally able to meet with my new OB/GYN. I have mixed feelings, but I don't think that they are about her. I think I'm reacting to what she told me as she scrunched her face and squinted one eye:

OB/GYN: Hmmmm, you're going to be tricky.

Technically, I did want a doctor that was going to be straight with me, someone that wasn't going to sugar coat it. Someone that was equally kind and honest. And she exceeded my expectations. Did I leave with a warm fuzzy feeling? Not so much. But again, I have a feeling that it's because she didn't clap her hands and tell me she would have me knocked up by Christmas. Instead, she told me that if we don't have any results after 4-6 months of treatment, that she would send me on my merry way to the infertility clinic downstairs.

The Gameplan (She actually drew a chart! I loved that!) is to start Clomid when/if I get my next period. If I don't get my period, they will induce it with the lovely Provera. While on Clomid, I'm supposed to be using an ovulation predictor kit to see if I ovulate. If I do, The Bear and I are supposed to get busy. I think my husband loves this doctor for the simple reason that she wrote "Sex!" on The Gameplan.

I had a sneaking suspicion that she was going to prescribe Clomid. Let's face it, I've been all over Google ever since I knew something was wrong with my cycles. I've read tons of stuff about Clomid and trigger injections and IUI that my eyes are bleeding. I try to stay away from reading about success rates and percentages only because those have a tendency to make me blue.

I'm nervous. What I think I'm particularly nervous about is success rates. What if it doesn't work? What do we do next? It's been very difficult coming to terms with all of this information. It's all so new to me and just not what I had expected.

Slowly I have been telling more and more people around me. Like I said before, everyone at work knows. On Friday at Girls Night Out, I did speak about it a little bit with a couple of friends. Everyone keeps telling me to think positive, to pray, to keep my spirits up, that they are there for me. But what if it doesn't happen?

How did I get here?

When I was a teenager, I really didn't like children. I never really even thought of having a family. I was not one of those women that felt her heart flip flop every time they saw a baby. I was mostly awkward and scared around my nephews. Truth be told, I thought a lot about getting married and finding that special someone to spend my life with, but not about having a family.

In 2006, I actually lost my pills during a move about six months prior to my wedding and I thought, what the heck, I'll wait until the fall before I get a new prescription during my annual pilgrimage to the college health center. I had been on oral contraceptives for a VERY long time. When I was a teenager, though, my cycles had been quite regular. I had heard a lot about Nuvaring and thought I would give it a whirrl. I loved the idea of not having to take something daily. Lazy me. During the months that I had come off of my birth control, I had regular cycles approximately 28 days each. This was consistent with my cycles before birth control--back in the dark ages.

The Bear and I were married in 2007 and I was still in school with student loans piling up. I would be graduating in a year and I wasn't sure what was going to happen with the job situation, so we put off on starting a family.

Fast forward to April 2009 when I decide that I'm about as ready as I'm going to be to start having kids. Job is good, house is good, dog is good. Why not make life even better with a little wee one? My first cycle is 28 days. The next cycle is 33. No big deal, right? Then I go a whopping 44 days without a period and about 50 million negative pregnancy tests. I start googling everything infertility related. My head practically explodes with the possibilities.

I went for my annual appointment in September and explained everything to my general practitioner. She is incredibly supportive and doesn't even flinch when I begin to cry in my paper gown. She seemed quite concerned with my long cycles and ordered blood work. I cried out of relief. I think I was so concerned that she was going to give me the whole song and dance about how I had not been trying for one year yet. She sends me downstairs for lab work.

A couple of days later, the results are in: LH:FSH is 3:1 indicative of polycystic ovaries! I am to meet with her first to discuss these results and then we'll do more testing. I am a little peeved because I am impatient and want results now.

I let my mom know my diagnosis. This is our conversation:

ME: I have polycystic ovaries.

MOM: You don't have a beard?!

ME: Thanks. But please tell me if I do start growing one.

MOM: But you're not overweight!?

I think that is something that is very interesting about PCOS. There appears to be a bunch of different subsets of this disease. I continue to google everything under the sun regarding PCOS. I become very scared that I will be insulin resistant, develop diabetes, and subsequently lose my foot. I make a mental note to figure out how to make our house more handicap accessible.

The following week I have an ultrasound of my ovaries. AWKWARD! At one point the u/s tech says to me, "Ohhh, your ovaries are pretty far apart. There's going to be a LOT OF PRESSURE." Nice. I go back the following weekend for lab work to determine if I'm insulin resistant or not.

After developing a fantastic hematoma from the phlebotomist from hell, I eventually find out that I am not insulin resistant at this point in time. I immediately allow all carbs back into my life. I get put on a 10 day cycle of Provera to "re-set" my cycle. My general practitioner at this point gave me two options: I could have spironolactone to suppress my androgens and thus decrease my "symptoms" OR I could have birth control pills. Since neither of those options sounds good (You can't take spironolactone while trying to get pregnant/being pregnant and the birth control pills will prevent pregnancy) I asked the medical assistant if I should consider an OB/GYN or Reproductive Endocrinologist. She emphatically tells me that that is a good idea and they will give me a referral if need be.

I am all set to go balls to the wall and see a RE at a local fertility clinic. Guess what? My insurance company doesn't cover ANYTHING related to IF. Awesome. So next week I have an appointment with an OB/GYN that does have experience with IF and PCOS and comes highly recommended by some co-workers.

The best news? I'm on cycle day 68. AWESOME.

Welcome! Bienvenue! Hola!

Hello! Welcome to my bloooooog. I can't believe I have one of these now. I'll never forget when a couple of years ago, my sweet husband called me from work and said, "Honey, what's a blog?" I almost died because I was laughing so hard. He's so precious.

Anyways, I'm in my late 20s and was recently diagnosed with PCOS while trying to conceive. My fantabulous hubby is 30 and we've been married for about 2 1/2 years. We have an amazing dog and come from really wonderful families and have such great friends that we've surrounded ourselves with. We wanted to wait to start a family until after we were settled with our jobs, our house and a major home renovation. After I threw out my birth control, I was all set to jump on the baby making train. Then surprise--I was diagnosed with PCOS! I'll write more about that later...

I realize that there is no shortage of infertility blogs or blogs with PCOS or blogs chronicling every minuscule detail of trying to conceive woes...but I felt compelled to write about what I've been experiencing in order to just put my feelings out there, for lack of better words. This PCOS diagnosis is pretty brand-spankin' new to me. Who knows? Maybe I can connect with women in the same boat. Maybe I can come to terms with a lot of the emotions I am experiencing if I find out that I'm truly not alone. Also, if I can inspire one tiny glimmer of hope in another individual, then this blog will have exceeded all of my expectations.

Maybe one day what I've written here will serve as a way for me to update family & friends with what's going on. For right now, though, I have only told select individuals in my family and group of friends. I have talked with many, MANY co-workers and they have been nothing but supportive and kind. I don't know why, but for some reason it's very easy for me to open up to that particular group of women.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed that this will be a short waiting period until I jump on the train to baby-ville. Until then, I'll keep posting!