Your blog has taken a turn towards the gross...

To quote my oldest bro. Yes, if you are a male relative, this blog has probably been quite strange for you to read. I apologize. But if it's really that disturbing, simply quit reading it :)

I will say that I will probably not post a graphic play by play of the delivery on this blog and there will not be any pictures of my placenta to be found here or elsewhere. Heck, I don't even want to SEE my placenta. That's in my birth plan: I want drugs, I don't want to see the baby come out, and I don't want to see my placenta. I will throat punch the nurse if she tries to show it to me, and I'm a nurse.

Speaking of nursing (my career, not actual breastfeeding), my current state of sore pubic bone has made functioning a little tricky. I was the first to run/waddle to a code the other night and I was the last to arrive and I was a little out of breath. Sad when you consider just a year and a half ago I trucked my way through 13.1 miles. I will get there again someday...it's just a little difficult to believe that I will ever be able to run again. And people think I look SMALL. I feel like I am of whale like proportions.

Regarding nursing (this time breastfeeding) I have not yet gone out to purchase the proper undergarments. I'm going to wait until I'm about 36 weeks so I can get the most accurate fit possible. I did however purchase these bad boys:

And let's just say that I'm a much happier and more comfortable individual.

Seriously, though, I don't think I was prepared for all of the weird and random aches and pains that pregnancy would bring about. I knew about the swollen ankles and fingers--which I've been lucky to not have. Yet. But the fact that it feels like someone swatted me directly in the pubic bone with a baseball bat. Well, that's a fate that I was not prepared for. Oh well. Small price to pay for a little bundle of joy. December 26th cannot come soon enough!

Holy Crap that Hurts!

This past Monday was a day full of me running errands and getting stuff accomplished. It was actually a wonderful day. I also was able to get back in the pool and really get a workout.

Fast forward 5 hours later and I have the world's most sore crotch. Or should I say pubic bone. I think it was a combination of too much breast stroke and the effects of relaxin on my symphisis pubis.



Thank goodness some rest and a bag of frozen peas provided relief the next morning. I apologize if this was too much information.

Over Analyze This

For those of you who know (and love) me in real life, you know that I'm a thinker. I sit and I think and think and think and over analyze and blow things up in my head. Well, my sleep situation is no exception.

Again, for those who know me (and may be jealous of me, ahem, MOM), you know that I can pretty much fall asleep anywhere at the drop of a hat. Even with my wonky rotating schedule this hasn't really ever fazed me. But ever since I've been with child, my sleep has been all jacked up. Well, I had a honeymoon period during the second trimester which abruptly ended this past weekend with a lot of tossing and turning and sleeping for only a couple of hours at a time.

The lack of sleep isn't even really THAT bad. What I can't help is the shitty headaches that appeared yesterday. Again, those that know me, know that I don't exactly make the best invalid. I usually am very bratty and spend most of my energy complaining instead of trying to get better. Apologies to my mom and The Bear who have to put up with me the most.

ANYWAYS, the whole point of this post is to try and cut my little nugget some slack. I'm not entirely sure that he/she is the root of this entire problem. Here is my proof. I finally slept yesterday evening before work and I woke up feeling pretty spiffy. I made it through my night shift as happy as a clam (even with all of the poop exposure) and now I'm STILL UP and I'm being a PRODUCTIVE MEMBER OF SOCIETY.

Or perhaps I'm just having a manic episode. Either way, it's probably time for bed. Hopefully it's a good nights/days sleep.

World's Worst Blogger

Is me. I've just been so busy. Blah blah blah, same excuses.

Anywho, I'm 30 weeks today! I never thought I would make it this far. Our little nugget is not so little anymore. My stomach is very rotund and it moves independent from my body a la Alien. It makes me grin no less than 100 times per day.

The Bear and I have been taking many baby related classes. It's been interesting. The last one was devoted solely to breast feeding, which I have to admit, I will be crushed if I cannot do this well. I actually have dreams about successfully breastfeeding my child. The benefits! The bonding! The SAVINGS!

Other than that, the nesting urge has totally kicked in. Many things have been purchased online, so hopefully we will really start to set up shop soon.

Sleep seems to no longer be on the agenda anymore. I've been up since about 4 AM. At 5, I started nudging The Bear and trying to converse with him. This was not welcome. So now I'm sitting in the basement ready to start on some Thank You notes from sweet gifts that we've started to receive. I will start to post some pics of the nursery when it actually starts looking less like a landfill.

Hell Hath No Fury...

Like a pregnant woman weighed. Oy. I have officially put on twenty-one pounds at 24 weeks of pregnancy. The good news is that most people don't believe that I weigh as much as I do. Nonetheless, I think some light weight lifting is in order. I just don't want to put on 80 lbs. That will require an awful lot of work in about 5 months to get back to my original weight before my 30th birthday and I just don't think I have that in me.

Not too much else is new except I am OBSESSING over where I will house this child once my womb is no longer adequate. Our house is great, but our 2 bedrooms are on 2 separate floors. I have been just wracking my brains trying to figure out if the baby should be on the main floor (carpet, ceiling fan, better temperature control) or the lower floor bedroom (bigger room, easier to decorate, quieter). I think I have it finally figured it out based on the fact that the kiddo usually rooms in with parents for a couple of months, especially if you plan on breastfeeding (I do). I will probably obsess for a couple more weeks before putting all of my plans into action...

It was a Dear Diary Moment this week when a complete stranger commented on my pregnancy! Yay! I finally look pregnant enough for people to not be afraid of just making offensive comments to a chubby chick! Everyone is commenting that I'm all belly and boob, but after some recent photos surfaced, I think that it's time to start lifting some light weights in the upper arm region. I am not liking what is developing up there.

Baby Bear continues to kick and squirm. Once I felt him/her ball up like a little worm! It is equally strange and awesome. I cannot believe that there is a little person in there that is half me and half The Bear. I just cannot wait to count fingers and toes. Oh those toes! How I cannot wait to pinch them!

Over the past weekend, while I was sleeping, The Bear was fondling my belly and Baby Bear was moving all around. Creepy! I told him that he's no longer allowed to do that. But I am very happy that he can feel our baby move. Actually a couple of my coworkers have felt my little nudger. Baby Bear either loves it or hates it when I drink something cold or a little coffee and usually delivers a couple of swift kicks in response.

Other than that, I'm just sort of cooling my heels here in pregnancy land...I'm enjoying the blissful energy that I have, daydreaming about rocking a newborn, and tweaking our registry. I have my 24 week appointment next week...nothing fancy, just pee in a cup, weight check, and doppler my belly. Oh and I will have to schedule my dreaded glucose tolerance test. Ugh, I've heard enough horror stories about this to keep me up at night. Stay tuned...

I Am Growing By The Minute

Sometimes I look down at my stomach and I swear that I am expanding before my very eyes. I haven't stepped on the scale lately. Last time I checked, I had put on about 14 lbs. I'm a little scared to jump back on and see how much I've packed on. All my new maternity clothes are still fitting and my old wardrobe is shrinking. It's my understanding that this is how things naturally progress.

I am feeling little kicks and punches here and there and I'm totally loving it. I often look down at my stomach and smile. When I'm walking around, people must think I'm totally insane because I smile to myself a lot. I am just so happy and I am truly loving be pregnant right now. Ask me how I feel around December 20th, though, and I might be singing a different tune!

I'm finishing little projects up around the house and I hoping to start on the nursery next month. I have a lot of things picked out in my brain and I am just waiting until this house business is done before I get cracking.

We are most likely not going to sell the house. We have about another month to keep it on the market and then we'll take it off so we can nest and get it prepared for Baby Bear. We are toying around with the idea of sprucing up the kitchen--backsplash, paint...easy cosmetic stuff.

The Bear was promoted at work--yay! But now he's even busier than before. But this is a wonderful thing. I am so proud! Other than that, I'm just working and growing and hoping to get organized.

I think I'm...

ready for my new body. Don't get me wrong, I am loving being pregnant. I feel so energetic. I imagine this is what cocaine feels like. Sometimes I have so much energy I could clean my entire house at 2AM. But I am not so pleased with some of the other changes. Like the cellulite covering my ass. Or just my ass in general. Or the bulging varicose vein in my left thigh that I happened to notice when I was wearing shorts whilst enjoying a nice summer evening. I guess I am ready for my full body Jobst stocking.

The Bear and I had our ultrasound last week. It was truly amazing. I cried the entire time. Baby Bear is a thumb sucker! He/she had hiccups, too. Oh, and in case you were wondering; Baby Bear also has The Bear's profile. Or at least I think so!

I'm starting to feel kicks and somersaults. A couple of nights ago, Baby Bear was so active The Bear could actually feel the movements for the first time. It was such a special moment. I'm tearing up just thinking about it.

Baby Bear's gender is a surprise. It was very difficult to look away from the screen in order to see if a teeny, tiny penis was present or not. I go back and forth in my head about if we are Team Blue or Team Pink. I honestly have no idea. Ninety percent of people I know think I am having a boy based on how I am carrying. I guess we'll have to wait until around December 26th to find out...

I've Gotta Feeling...

...and I'm pretty sure it's just gas. I am anxiously awaiting the first little flutter, nudge, or butterfly kiss from this kid and I've got nothing. Well, I thought I was feeling stuff, but now I'm not so sure. Soon enough Baby Bear will be keeping me up with his/her acrobatics in the middle of the night.

I am proudly growing more and more each day. The Bear was out of town for the weekend and he has noticed a difference in my tummy size in the two short days that he was away. Anything that I wear on my bottom half has to be maternity clothing or have a stretchy waistband. I'm pleasantly surprised by how comfortable most of my new clothing is.

In one week, The Bear and I get to see our little guy/girl again! The last time we had an ultrasound was at 10 weeks, but it seems so long ago! I just want to check out the baby's profile and make sure it doesn't have The Bear's nose :) Just kidding, it's a great schnoz...just on a boy.

The past couple of days, I have been alive with energy. I don't think I've been this productive in 10 years. It was a good weekend, although I really missed my better half. I'm happy he's back home safe and sound.

Eeek! I'm having a hard time keeping up with this blog! My energy spurts seem to come and go. I think I have about one productive day to every eight lazy ones. It's a shame considering all of the projects I would like to finish before this little nugget makes an appearance.

Speaking of which, this little nugget (which I imagine looks EXACTLY like The Bear) is progressing well. Everything was good at the last visit and I scheduled my anatomy scan for 19w6d.

I have put on the appropriate amount of weight, give or take a pound and bowel movement or two. Unfortunately, the scale at Dr. C's office is in dire need of calibration because I weighed in at ten pounds heavier than my last visit four weeks ago. I politely (but firmly) requested to be weighed on a different scale and I've put on about 5 lbs. That's a pretty big difference between scales!

I've been pretty sore in my back, especially my lower back--which is something totally new for me. My neck and back pain is due partly to my TMJ. I went to visit my TMJ doc on Monday and she said that I have a lot of tension in my face and neck and to keep up with my exercises. There are these fabulously ghetto massage chairs at the TMJ office and I always use them when I'm waiting for my appointment. It felt so good this last time, I almost moaned out loud. Seriously. I think it might be time to schedule another prenatal massage.

The problem with my prenatal masseuse is, while she's VERY nice and VERY skilled, she's such a TALKER. Listen, I don't want to talk. I want my back rubbed. It kills. This is my therapy session, not yours. Ugh. But she gives one kick ass massage.

The next phase of The Bear's Grand Nesting Project has involved our house officially being on the market. We started out of the gates quite quickly with four showings and an open house--all within the first week. Now, it's like hearing crickets. SLOW. Oh well, it might be really nice to stay at our little home and get it ready for Baby Bear.

So a lot has happened...

...and since I've been such a slacker, I haven't blogged about any of it. Where to start?

GRADUATION DAY
June 3, 2010 was officially my last appointment with Dr. C at the fertility clinic. Everything was perfect with our little peanut and Dr. C said that she was no longer needed. Hugs were exchanged and I wept as I was showered with gifts from the nursing staff and Dr. C.

Then, I graduated from acupuncture June 14, 2010. I begin to ponder what I will do with my time. A minute later, I come up with the answer: Sleep more.

SYMPTOMS
I become increasingly more tired. You'd think I'd sleep like a baby. Or at least like a pregnant woman in the first trimester. Nope, I can't sleep for more than a couple of hours at a time. Where the hell is this amazing, dead to the world sleep that I was promised??!! I am actually upset by this. On my days off, I frequently wake up at 4 AM rummaging around in the fridge for food. Unfortunately nothing really tastes all that fabulous. The only cravings I really have are for food that does not come out of my fridge and food that I do not make myself. I'm not so sure this is an actual craving.

My breasts become ginormous. Sorry if you are reading this and are A)My father or B)My brother(s). My mom takes me bra shopping and proceeds to laugh at me when we realize I've already gone up one complete cup size...and I have about 30 weeks to go.

My back and legs start to feel achy. Not bad, but I end up starting to use a body pillow. At first it is weird, but I keep needing to use it more and more. My handsome dog likes to use it, too. I don't know if the drool spots are from him or me. Said pillow also creates some confusion for a sleepy and slightly disoriented Bear. He has already confused the body pillow for his wife's hulking form.

I have had a headache on and off for the past 4 weeks. This is made worse by the World Cup. Yes, it is an amazing athletic event that only comes every couple of years. Yes, South Africa is an amazing country. Yes, I love watching sports, especially ones where fine male specimens are sweating. Yum. I do not love the stupid horns that have become the official sound of the World Cup. I fvcking feel like I'm inside of a bee hive and the Queen Bee is bitching at me to get off the couch and make some more honey. Alas, The Bear is a huge soccer fan and will not watch this on mute.

FIRST OB APPOINTMENT
I meet with the NP, who was hilarious and we talked for ONE WHOLE HOUR about pregnancy stuff. I receive a bag full of mostly crap and advertisements. I also run into Dr. B who is just thrilled that I'm knocked up. We hear the baby's heartbeat and it is of course amazing to hear. It did take awhile to find the heartbeat, but that's because Dr. B and the NP said this little kid was zooming all around. I of course imagine a miniature Bear (complete with glasses) screaming and running into the walls of my uterus. I also find out that I am negative for Chlamydia and Gonorrhea--shocking, I know!

WHAT'S NEXT
The Bear is nesting in his own special way by trying to find another house to live in. Our current digs are just fine for a family of three humans and one 88 lb dog, but it would be nice to have a larger kitchen (one that might fit a table large enough for four people to sit comfortably), and all of our bedrooms on one floor. The Bear already traded in his Altima for a different (read: larger) car. This way all of us will fit comfortably. I certainly don't want to be one of those moms who leaves her dog behind in favor of her spawn.

I go back July 19th for another appointment. I'm currently trying to find a checklist of some sort that tells me when I need to start doing stuff (i.e. registering, working on the nursery, blah blah blah).

I am keeping my fingers crossed that some new found energy comes my way. I would love to clean, cook, and be a participating member of society!

Sleep, where art thou?

I miss sleep. I feel like I haven't slept well for months. MONTHS. I thought the first trimester was supposed to be all about having narcolepsy. None of that here. However I am lazy (is that even a pregnancy symptom?). Just ask The Bear how often I clean up after myself or do any of the household chores. I am really hoping that the whole nesting thing will kick in one day.

I took out my belly button ring yesterday. My stomach does not look pregnant, it just looks big. I am roly-poly. Rotund. I'm ok with it, I just think that it looks sort of trashy to have a belly button ring in while you look like you drank too many beers over the weekend. Besides I have a feeling that bikini season is over. FOR GOOD.

Other than that, I haven't really had too many pregnancy symptoms. I did get up to pee about 3 times last night. My skin is finally clearing up a little bit. Not sure why, maybe my hormones are just balancing out. I'm looking forward to a nice pregnancy glow.

I go in for another ultrasound this week. I'll keep you updated!

Happy 9 Week Birthday Fetus!

Today my little guy (or girl!) has graduated from embryo to full fledged fetus, per What to Expect When You're Expecting. I am totally loving perusing all the baby sites and seeing pictures of what my baby looks like at this stage. It's not at all scary or alien-esque as I would have thought. It really is a miracle.

So far I don't have too many pregnancy symptoms. My skin is really bad. It's like being in 7th grade all over again. I've had some heartburn hear and there, which is a new thing for me. I am really hoping the old wives' tale is true and that I will have a hairy baby! I am definitely irritable and having mood swings. The Bear and I got into a fight last week and I swear I thought my head was going to start spinning around. I couldn't believe how scary I was.

Weight wise, I have only put on a couple of pounds and that could very well be due to bloat and constipation. Lovely. I am not showing, but I am more rotund in the mid section and my clothes are feeling a little tight. It's a good thing I wear elastic waisted pants to work! Oh, and it might be time for a bigger bra!

I think I'm going to come out tonight at work. I feel like I'm far enough along and everything has been looking so good, why not? Still no crazy facebook announcements yet, but many people are starting to know. I think I'm ok with that.

Good Things

Some of the most beautiful numbers in the world: 144-my first hCG level. 359, my second hCG level. 637, my third hCG. 106, my baby's heartbeat at 6w3d. And finally, the most beautiful number: 163, my baby's heart rate today at 8w3d.

I finally feel more confident to actually put this info in print. I AM PREGNANT. Words that I never thought I would be able to say and that still sound foreign every time they pop out of my mouth. This is the most wonderful feeling I've had in awhile.

I can't even begin to describe how I felt seeing our teeny tiny baby during our ultrasound. I cannot believe that I am growing a human life that The Bear and I have created. It truly takes my breath away.

Bad Blogger

I am almost embarrassed when I look at the date of my last blog entry. Oy. Things here are fine, great, actually. I won't post more until Friday, but hopefully I will have good things to report! Stay tuned...

The Wait is Killing Me!

Holy crap...this is like the never ending cycle. Considering I've had cycles 60+ days, I think that says a lot about this one. I've been trying to plan a lot to do to keep me busy. I go back to work tonight, so that should eat up about 4 days. We also have some plans with friends this weekend. I'm really looking forward to that. Cleaning the house? Definitely not looking forward to that.

I'm starting to feel like maybe I should be on one of those hoarder shows. I know I should just suck it up, find the energy, clean, and just purge. But it's HARD. Guess what has also appeared during this cycle: Whining.

Oh my goodness, have I turned into a WHINER. It's bad. The Bear needs the husband of the year award for putting up with me. Seriously. Yesterday at a basketball game, I whined until he bought me a hot dog. With hot peppers. It kept me satisfied for approximately 15 minutes.

I've been trying to find out a little bit more about Femera, it sounds like it works in similar ways to Clomid but with less side effects. I am about 90% sure that I will try Femera next cycle. I'm sick of feeling down in the dumps and that I'm not a good wife or good at my job. The whole infertility stuff is enough to make someone depressed, clinging to my marriage and my work and family is really all I have left sometimes. And I feel like Clomid prevents me from remembering how much I have to be thankful for. So Femera it is.

The little nerd in me that minored in Chemistry wanted to post the chemical structure of Femera:

Please don't point and laugh at her too much.

The Past Week in a Nutshell

It's been awhile since I've posted anything. My reason is two fold; First, work has me by the balls. This is nothing new. Our acuity has been ridiculously high and we've been full for weeks. It's like we're just a revolving door for long term acute patients that are vent dependent and morbidly obese. Second, I've been in a funk. Sometimes I see the Cymbalta commercial on TV (You know, the one that starts with "Depression hurts...") and I think, holy crap, I could be in this commercial. Well, that's not entirely true. I still laugh and joke around, but it's not the same as it was before.

That's all I really have to say about how I've been feeling because I'm starting to feel like a broken record. And who wants to be a broken record? More importantly, who wants to be around a depressed person?

The good news is that I'm starting to feel like my old self again. I mustered up the energy to finally clear out my email and answer people. I've made plans for the following week to hang out with some friends. Heck, I even made it out in public yesterday--with my hair done! And make-up! I received so many compliments about how I looked...cripes, all I did was bathe.

As far as fertility stuff goes, I'm in the middle of my second cycle on Clomid and timed intercourse. The good news was that I responded even better than the last time...follicle sizes were really good and my lining was significantly better. I feel nervous just typing that here...like I might jinx this cycle somehow by sending this information out for everyone to read...anyways, the only thing is, if this cycle doesn't work, Dr. C doesn't really want me doing Clomid again. She said that ultimately it was my choice, but that she thinks I'm suffering too much from the side effects. Which is a shame because I respond oh-so-beautifully.

DR. C: How did the Clomid go?

ME: Well...I didn't feel as anxious, but I was pretty sad and down in the dumps. I feel bad complaining because I feel like I should just be able to suck it up and get over how I feel.

DR. C: Ummmm, no. (She actually sounded kinda angry, which was scary because I was up in the stirrups at this point). This medication messes with your brain chemistry. You can't just talk yourself out of feeling a certain way. You should strongly consider trying something else next cycle.

So...she has a valid point. I will consider something else if this cycle is a bust. Which, I will find out if this worked (or not) right before my birthday. Hopefully it's good news. I'm trying to remain as optimistic as possible, but I have this nagging feeling of doubt that this is never going to work.

Update

Acupuncture has been going well. She did put a needle in between my eyes the other day, though. Freaky but cool. I like her a lot, I would highly recommend her to other peeps.

I ended up starting my cycle all over again, like immediately after stopping my progesterone. It ended up being about a 30 day cycle. Not too shabby. I had my CD3 u/s--which showed no cysts--and I am currently in the throes of 100 mg of Clomid daily. Dr. C was super cool at my baseline u/s; She said that there's no reason to not give this regimen another chance. She said (and this is consistent with what I've read on the internets) that treatments are typically done in threes. If a treatment is going to work, it has the best shot of working during the first three tries. After that, your chances drop off significantly. She did say that if I had too many side effects with Clomid this time that we could potentially try a different oral medication that works in a similar way, Femera. I'll have to Google/Wiki it more later.

My big concerns with this current cycle/treatment have been uterine thickness and if my follicles are big enough/mature enough at the time of trigger. My follicle check will actually be later on in my cycle compared to the last time with hopes that we'll have a little better look at what's going on.

Statistically, if I was COMPLETELY normal, I'd still only have a 20% shot of getting prego each cycle. OK, I ACED stats in grad school (I'm talking like 2nd or 3rd highest grade in the class) and I do not get how if there is only a 20% chance of getting pregnant each month why are so many people getting pregnant after only one or two months of trying?!

I can tell that the Clomid is kicking in. I might have had five hot flashes while writing this post. Not crazy, dripping wet, core of the sun hot flashes..just a little hot-cold-hot action. I also cried twice in the shower yesterday when I started freaking out that this is never going to work out for The Bear and I. Even the thoughts of adoption in the future aren't very comforting to me right now. This is a very real fear of mine, though...to go through life childless. ChildLESS.

I'm off work for a couple of days now. I'm so happy because I should be done with all of this crazy emotional nonsense by the next time I go in. Although, if I get a phone call canceling me on Saturday, it would ROCK. Then I could spend more time with The Bear ;)

Bust

I actually exhibited some self control the past two weeks and didn't even attempt to take a home pregnancy test. What I decided to do was to go in for the lab draw, come home, take the home pregnancy test and then wait for the doctor's office to call.

Well, both tests were negative. I was crushed for a little bit. I was teary eyed, but I didn't cry. I was kind of surprised. I want this so badly, you'd think I'd be more upset. Maybe I will be tomorrow.

So I stopped the progesterone, I'll wait for my period and then we'll try the same regimen again. I'm OK with almost all of this...I don't want to have to take those damn crazy pills again. Maybe this time will be different.

Thank you to everyone for all of your warm wishes, positive thoughts, and prayers. I am so warm and fuzzy inside knowing that we are surrounded with such lovely people who care about us.

It may take a village, but The Bear and I will be parents one day!

Eating My Way Through Town

Considering I at about 1/2 of a 12" pizza and a ginormous salad on Saturday night, all you can eat buffet Sunday brunch (3+ plates), and then vegetarian chili, burger and french fries for dinner on Sunday. I think one of my favorite parts of the weekend was when my little bro looked at me during dinner and said, "Are you still loading?" Priceless. And all I have to show for it is a measly 129.2 lbs. Which means my little weight gain is up to 2 lbs. Big freakin' deal. All of my weight gain is in my gut because that's where my pants are the tightest. Thank goodness I go back to work tonight and get to enjoy pants with an elastic waist.

Acupuncture is going well. Today I felt more of that energy that was similar to the first time I ever went. She's moved a lot of the needles to outside/lateral version of my body. Like the first two times she would put needles on the inside of my wrist and hand and now she's been putting the needles on the outside of my wrist. Very interesting.

Other than that, still stuck in the waiting game. My head might actually explode.

Trigger Happy

This gorgeous little package arrived a couple of weeks ago via some nice gentleman and a brown paper package. Let's just say that the photo doesn't do the needle size justice. But a small price to pay!

I ended up triggering at work on Friday night--I coerced a dear friend into seeing my ass. In our gross staff bathroom. Let's just say that I sort of felt like a junkie would...sneaking into the bathroom, trying to not get caught...the whole injection thing...

Well, the needle didn't really hurt that bad and the medication wasn't too bad, either. I did however, limp down the hallway afterwards. But that was short lived.

I'm still going to acupuncture and I'm still really enjoying it. Other than that, there really isn't too much to post as of now. I'm just playing the waiting game.

What's Cooking in My Oven?

I had my CD12 ultrasound today to see if anything was cooking.....AND...I have some dominant follicles on my right ovary. Two to be exact. Ahhh, my right ovary is the golden child this cycle. I am a little concerned because my lining isn't super thick. I made sure The Bear picked up some pomegranate juice (it will supposedly help with my lining, but I'm not sure if it's too late in my cycle for this). I have, of course, been googling everything about acceptable lining thicknesses and what I can do to remedy this problem. Dr. C felt very confident that my lining wasn't compromised by the Clomid (a common side effect), she just feels that I still need a little more time. She was fairly pleased with the results, though.

Dr. C: So, how did the Clomid go?

ME: It was ok. I was really nervous and jittery while on it. I mean, I'm like that naturally, but this was significantly worse.

DR. C: Hahahaha! So you think the Clomid just exacerbated your nerves? Hahahahah!

Ahhhh, I love making people laugh.

So, this is the plan. I take my trigger injection on Friday. Six days later I will start Progesterone suppositories (ick) and then I'll have labwork on March 19th to see if I am pregnant. Obviously if I get my period before then, I will cancel the lab appointment. I think it's safe to say that we will proceed with Clomid again if this cycle is a bust.

I've been perusing my calendar trying to figure out exactly when to take this damn shot and it looks like I'll be at work that night so I'm sure I'll have to coerce someone into giving it to me. I'll have to check out the schedule tonight to find out who the eligible candidates will be...

Yesterday was my second acupuncture appointment. Yowza! It was a little more painful this time. Well, not quite painful, but it stung. And she stuck a needle in the top of my head. I told her how nervous I was on the Clomid, so I don't know if she worked a little voodoo magic to make me a little more relaxed, but I could barely make the drive home. I thought I was going to veer off the side of the road. Just kidding...kinda.

I'm contemplating calling my acupuncturist to see if she can help thicken up my lining....The Bear thinks I should NOT call her and thicken up our bank account. Fair enough.

Ultrasounds and Needles and Hot Flashes--OH MY!

So, a lot of shit has gone down. I haven't been the best about posting for a variety of reasons: Sleep, work, uncertainty, sleep, work, spazing out. You get the general idea. I finally feel like I have a small grip on my feelings, so I'm gonna put it all out there.

Let's start with last week. I got my period. On my own. Holy Balls. I felt like I was 13 all over again. Anyways, I call Dr. C's office, flabbergasted, and talk with a nurse about scheduling a baseline ultrasound. Said ultrasound took place this past Monday. Everything looks fab. Then I was given my script for Clomid 100 mg to be taken CD4-CD8. I had a long discussion with Dr. C and a nurse about how I was going to be monitored and how to ensure ovulation, blah, blah, blah. The plan is to go again next week for an ultrasound and see if I have any good sized follicles and if my uterine lining is thick enough. If everything looks glorious, I'll go ahead and take a trigger injection to get me to ovulate. About two weeks after my injection, I can test to see if I'm knocked up. If my u/s next week looks sucky, we'll cancel and regroup.

I have gotten Clomid in the past from my trusty, local Walgreens so that's where I was going to head for this next cycle. The trigger injection (HCG) isn't carried at many pharmacies and Dr. C's office doesn't trust a lot of places, so they exclusively use this pharmacy in Chicago--which promises free next-day delivery. The best part is that we actually have some insurance coverage for these drugs! My Clomid was under $6 and the trigger was only $28. Not too shabby. ESPECIALLY when I put it on the credit card to receive points. Why not?

Later on that Monday I ended up having my first acupuncture appointment. Talk about a big day for my ovaries. The initial appointment was great, a lot of talking about my health history, what I've tried, what I haven't. She then explained different concepts of Chinese Medicine and how what she's trying to do is support and aid what my RE is doing.

The acupuncture itself was awesome and weird. I felt like she stuck a bizzillion needles in my body but when I finally got the guts to look down, I only had, like, ten needles in! It may sound totally lame, but I felt a lot of energy and tingling and warmth where the needles were put in. I was so excited when I left! I will go again next week Monday.

While Monday was a great, red-letter day...the rest of this week has been ho-hum. I'm really feeling the Clomid. I am so distracted and my brain feels thick. Almost like I'm underwater. I haven't had too many crazy hot flashes, but I'm defintely warm. I'm sweatin' it up, that's for sure. On top of that, I feel very anxious and (for lack of a better term) jacked up. Kinda like that time I was on some heavy steriods for a raging case of strep throat. As a result, I ended up calling in sick for my last night of work this week--don't judge me. I felt that I was unsafe to be caring for sick people. I could barely get my act together the night before, Lord knows what I would have been like last night.

So that is this week in a nutshell: Some highs, some lows, and a whole lotta hope :)

Chewing The Fat

I have been all over the internets trying to figure out what may be the cause of my oligomenorrhea and how the heck I can restore my period. I have decided to try and put on some weight. Last week I successfully gained about 2 lbs. I have been eating about the same amount each meal but I have increased the frequency of eating.

Last week I tried to figure out my body fat percentage by using all of these online calculators. With the various measurements, I could have anywhere from 19-33% depending which calculator was used. I'd be very interested in finding out if my gym offers some sort of water displacement body fat analysis, which is apparently the most accurate way of measuring body fat percentage.

Speaking of the gym, I have not worked out in two weeks. LAZY!!!! I have been having difficulty dragging my sorry ass out of bed. I think I slept 16 hours one day last week. It was glorious, especially since I bought new sheets (on sale) at Boston Store. I compared this amount of sleep with some of my colleagues and it appears to not be totally abnormal. Or at least that's what I keep telling The Bear.

Thoughts...

I am very happy to know that The Bear is a-ok but it is a little difficult to know that I'm the defective one in the relationship. I'm thrilled to know that I don't have PCOS, but the truth is, I have problems with ovulation--so something is still wrong with me. Dr. C knows that I don't ovulate, but doesn't know why. I'm scared that because we don't know why I don't ovulate, we won't be able to fix the problem.

I thought a lot about why I might be having ovulation problems. Stress could be one reason. I have a very high stress job and I work strange and long hours. I enjoy it immensely, though. I work with some of the most amazing individuals and I get to do and see so many interesting things. I really do feel like I make a difference at my job, like I might make the world a better place and that I save lives. It's a little conceited to think so, but I do.

My second thought was my weight might interfere with ovulation. I'm somewhere around 5'7" give or take 1/2 an inch. I'm small boned and I'm probably around 125-127 lbs. I would say that I'm very lean. When I was perusing a fertility book the other day, it mentioned that for woman my size, optimal fertility weight should be about 133-145 lbs depending on bone structure. Well, I'm not even at the bottom of this range. So...I have decided to try and put on about 8-10 lbs and see if that makes a difference. I'm going to try and eat 4 small meals a day with lots of snacks in between. I'm going to drink 1% or 2% milk and increase the carbs, fruits, and veggies. I brought this idea up to Dr. C and she said that it certainly won't hurt anything but that she can't promise that it will help.

Finally, this week I am going to look into acupuncture. I think if anything, it will help me relax. I just feel like I need to be doing SOMETHING while I just wait for my period to show or until I hit the magic number of 35 days.

WoooooHoooo!

Today was our follow up appointment with Dr. C. I was so nervous that my lab work was going to be worse than what I already knew. I was scared that The Bear's SA was going to be abysmal. I kept imagining the worse.

The good news is that my lab levels all look good. My FSH is good. My testosterone, androgen, and adrenal labs were all normal. My ultrasound was fine and my HSG was all clear. So right now Dr. C is not really saying that I have PCOS so much as that I just have oligomenorrhea--I have few periods a year.

The best news though was The Bear's SA! Count was awesome, motility was 62% (average is 50%), morphology was 6% (average is 5%) so he is well above average. Fabulous, even.

The plan right now is to take Clomid my next cycle, do a little monitoring and then have timed intercourse. Dr. C gave us the option of timed intercourse or IUI and The Bear right away said "Timed intercourse!" Typical male.

So now I have to wait for my period to show. My guess is that it will not come so I'll have to take Provera to induce it. Then I can jump right in--most likely in March. So I will wait. Again. But it's ok, I feel a little relieved now knowing our results. I can be patient.

All Clear!

I had my HSG Monday. I tried blogging about it on Tuesday and something happened and the post disappeared into the mist of the blogosphere. Then I had to work. Then Wednesday was my 3 year anniversary with The Bear where I stuffed myself with edamame and sushi. Thursday I was back to work and then I slept for most of the day today because I do need some sleep.

Anywhoodle, since this is an infertility blog (or at least a blog about difficulty conceiving), I will talk about the HSG. I had been taking the prophylactic antibiotics as prescribed and then the morning of the test I had 600 mg of Ibuprofen. Well...I threw in an extra 200 just for shits and giggles to make a grand total of 800 mg.

I was pretty nervous but that did not prevent me from falling asleep on the couch for 1 hour after work before the test. Good thing The Bear had strict instructions to pick me up and deposit me in Radiology. He was so sweet and waited for me in the little holding area. Which was comforting because I felt really awkward in there wearing my t-shirt, a gown, robe, no undies, my socks and running shoes. Thank goodness I didn't have my snow boots on.

Then the tech called me in back and spent some time really explaining the procedure to me. She was very sweet and very thorough. She took my vital signs, which were normal, but actually high for me--I was freakin' nervous! Then I sat by myself waiting for Dr. C. I really wish The Bear would have been let in the back room so I could have had some company. Instead, I sat back there trying not to cry.

The worst part was definitely having the catheter threaded through my cervix. That was like a combination of the world's worst pap smear and cramps from hell. At that point, I thought I wasn't going to be able to handle the dye being put through (what I was told was the worst part). The Radiologist came in, he had me swivel my hips left, then right, then center. Then everyone was like, "All done! Yay!" And I replied, "Did you even inject the dye? You didn't tell me you were going to inject the dye yet?!" Then everyone was giggling and telling me that I was a champ and what an awesome job I did.

Dr. C came up and stood next to me and spoke with me about the test and what she saw. She showed me the monitor, and sure as shit, there were my patent fallopian tubes. Dr. C kept saying congratulations and how well I did. She already knew that we had our gameplan appointment set up for next week. All in all, I was pretty pleased with her bedside manner and she was pretty awesome throughout the whole thing. She kept me comfortable and about as relaxed as I could be. Each time I meet her, I feel like we're moving in the right direction. A good thing, I know.

After the test, I was of course relieved, and what happened to my HR and BP? They went back to their "normal" values, which made the tech a little nervous. So I had to lay back on the table (still with my running shoes on, mind you) and wait. Then I started freaking out in my head that I was having a reaction to the dye and that I was going to brady down, go PEA and then they were going to have to code me in Radiology. With my running shoes on. And no UNDERPANTS. That is like my nightmare. Alas, I was fine, I was let go, and returned to The Bear.

After the test, on the way home, my conversation with The Bear went a little something like this:

THE BEAR: I just had a morbid thought...

ME: What's that? (I was thinking he had some sort of crazy revelation about parenthood or infertility).

THE BEAR: Most of those people in that waiting room are, like, on death's doorstep...

ME: What do you mean by that?

THE BEAR: Well, there were a lot of old people in there...

ME: BWAHHHHAHHHAHA!

As someone who sees people on death's doorstep on a regular basis, I assure you, while there were a lot of old people present, no one in that waiting room looked like they were actively dying. I mean, one person had oxygen on, but I think she was ok.

The rest of the week was met with some spotting that has had me question (on a number of occassions) if I should call the doctor. I had no other signs and symptoms of an infection or anything else wrong, so I just tried to take it easy. Except for working the 12 hour shifts of crazy patients.

So now we wait until our appointment next week!

I don't know why the date for this is 1.26.10 I finished writing it today 1.29.10. Oh well, who cares?

Getting Started

I ended up getting my period on Saturday so Monday morning I ran around trying to get all of my diagnostics scheduled. Holy crap! What a pain in the ass to schedule all of this stuff. The majority of my tests get scheduled through the fertility clinic but the HSG has to be scheduled with the hospital and the fertility nurse does this for me.

ME: Wow, this seems like a scheduling nightmare for you guys!

FERTILITY NURSE: Oh yeah, we're pretty much at the mercy of everybody's ovaries.

This morning I went in for my ultrasound and bloodwork (CD4). I was at the clinic for no longer than 15 minutes. It was virtually painless...unless you count that I had to be stuck TWICE for my labs. Come on, my veins ROCK. Oh well. What was also nice was that Dr. C herself was there to actually do my ultrasound. And she confirmed that we were all set up for my HSG next week AND she suggested that The Bear and I go ahead and make our follow up appointment right away so we wouldn't get caught up in any sort of scheduling snafu.

The ultrasound didn't show too much of anything I didn't already know: A bunch of little follicles. I figure she'll really discuss everything with us when we have all of the results.

On another note, I've been experiencing some crazy ass cramps. I haven't had cramps this bad in, like, eight years. For reals. I actually had to load up with Ibuprofen yesterday. I felt like a junkie.

Stay tuned for my account of my HSG in interventional radiology next week...

Here We Go Again...

Provera time! After much consideration, I determined that I was going to take Provera now and then hopefully be ready for all of my tests the week after we get back from Punta Cana. Part of me REALLY debated long and hard about not doing anything and just enjoying the trip. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that if I wasn't doing something (towards the baby making effort) during this trip that I would be going insane.

So I called Dr. C's office today and a very nice nurse called me back and had a couple of questions for me:

NURSE: What cycle day are you at?

ME: Ummm, 41.

NURSE: Oh my, yes I'd say that you're ready. Did you have a negative home pregnancy test?

ME: Only about a billion.

NURSE: Ok, we'll call in that script for you!

So...here we go! Ten days of Provera...CD3 labwork and u/s, a little HSG action and a Semen Analysis and we'll have a new gameplan! I'm figuring we'll start some sort of treatment in February. In the meantime, I will enjoy the warm sun of Punta Cana, some fruity drinks with umbrellas, room service and all you can eat buffets.

I am trying to remain positive (a 2010 resolution!). I have been repeating to myself that The Bear and I will be parents one day, it just may be a difficult path...or a path I hadn't even imagined taking. When I really examine my life, I remember that I have so much to be thankful for. Hopefully 2010 will be the year that The Bear and I will be parents!